alongthestream...

2012-01-20T15:41:00.000+03:00

Besotted by this song.

2012-01-12T08:53:00.001+03:00

What do you do with it,
Cover it up?
As if you could.

Maybe fill it up, with
everyday stuff.
Try if you will.

Grows and drives you,
up the damn wall
Till you yield.

Why it weighs more
when there is less,
anyone?

Words at times ease,
the afflicted malaise
or the ache, but

What do you do with
the wretched
oppressing
gnawing
chasmic
deep
abyss?

2011-12-26T08:28:00.000+03:00

Is it the chill air around, am not sure. Am in one of those awful phases. Seems to have chilled me to the bone. Feel cold. Remain cold. Everything appears to be frozen. The embers seem to have died down, and left with a cold metallic chillness. Lifeless. This is one part, the other part simmering, and what erupts seem to flow unabated. And even as it flows turns cold. So it is like, layers of cold, resulting in a state of frozen suspension. I presume its just hibernation, and the spirit, deep inside is safe and ticking. Wouldn't like to be stifled by this heavy silence, that seems to have descended as a cloak, draping itself all over me.

Yes, we re on our own, get this straight and get it right. No bonds be it bound by holy vows, or by blood, or by baring of souls are forever. Tighter the bonds, greater the pain, when it breaks. So you don't tighten your bonds? And ofcourse they choose to bind themselves tighter, and unbind too.

Had this strong urge to walk away into the distant horizon, and this blessed place leaves me with no such option. Yearned for a silent rest in the peaceful precincts of a temple, to calm my struggling spirits, even if answers don't always emerge.

When you think you have grown, seen it all, turned mature, and you have almost or atleast most of the answers, there is a blow, that crumbles your resolute props, just like that. The inner strength or the erected barricades seem to fall apart meekly, unceremoniously. It is for real, when it hits you, the fact that, you are left with pieces of what you are, and you are to make something of the mess, yet again.

2011-12-08T08:36:00.001+03:00

Do I know for sure or do I not...
Do I have it in me or have I not..
Is it as it seems to be or is it not..
Will I ever, ever know, guess not.

Slim threads, but strong as steel
Seems non existent but I do feel
the twang, when so lightly strung
Reverberates, until I go all numb.

Spaces huge or holes, I am not sure
Loom large and too deep to endure;
Left with echos that haunt and taunt,
My own make-beliefs, I dare not flaunt.

What is to be my stand, now on?
Is this how it was to be carried on?
Do I open up and confront head on?
Will it make things saner, hereon?
Guess not.

2011-10-18T08:28:00.000+03:00

do i have a Multiple Personality Disorder or what?! Keep swinging like a yo-yo, sometimes tethering on the brinks of one, almost spilling over into the other! Geez! who am I? Why cant it be all in one mould, why do i need to switch souls or bodies or watever! Its weird. And even as i type, can sense a different mood surging in, something else taking over, more assertive, dominant mebe even wild! this part of me guess am tentative about letting it out, in the open, not sure of confronting what might follow, or how it would be taken. Ms.Jekyl n Hyde...its unnerving to say the least, disgusting at times, pretentious at times, and plain madness at times. Will it ever merge or am i to alienate one from the other, something which i did try to do, but 've successfully failed!! This happens to many?few?all the time?sometimes?they survive?flounder?mould?break?rise?fall?emerge?vanquish?grow?diminish?exist?vanish?

2011-04-07T08:39:00.000+03:00

During a chat with a friend, was discussing how individuals differ in their motivation to perform. Realised and have been realising that I am not a strongly self-motivated person. Need constant stimuli, if i'm to move on! I'm not self wound. Need that spark to ignite, key to wind, or even a dagger over my head to wind up. Constantly seeking inspiration, the absence of which instils a bogged down sense of ennui, that seems to creep and extend its tendrils with alarming speed. Have to keep chopping them off and de-tangle before its too late. Being a true piscean, get submerged in deep waters, and have to come up for air and sunshine too!

2011-04-03T12:04:00.000+03:00

Death does steal upon us,
the mortal race we are
cease to remember, we are.

At times it seems, it
treads slowly but surely
as it draws or creeps closer.

Can one stall it, or even
foresee, or slay its
fangs as it descends.

Eerie is not the word
the darnedest sensation
is wafting by.

2011-03-17T08:41:00.003+03:00

as her voice choked with emotion and controlled angst and dread rolled down my phone, found myself close to tears. a friendship that has lasted more than a few decades; remember the day I saw her outside the school office with her dad, just as I was, waiting for admission in Class VI. The journey from there on has been a long one; we've meandered, lost ourselves, lost touch, and she has lost much more in her life, but yes the yearly calls, have followed quite a regular pattern, touchwood. And I had thought she'd somehow confronted the demons and has emerged, atleast to an extent. looks like they are there to haunt her, and from what i decipher they seem to stay on, never to let go...she sounded so bleak and unsure. wanted to just hold her hand and be there; the way i used to be when we were in our pinafores and braided plaits. it was much simpler then, and she had me, to pour out all her stories; friends use to tease us, or rather her for her non-stop prattle. said she hardly talks these days! it hurts to see her this way; hurts to realise that life for some is a one big joke. hurts to think why one soul cannot cleanse another's, of misery and pain. hurts to be far away from a friend who is hurting.

Maya Angelou's

2011-03-09T08:00:00.001+03:00

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise

I rise

I rise.

liked it!

2011-01-12T08:44:00.004+03:00

a walk through the ruins
broken pieces
shattered dreams
haunting silence
taunting remnants
history in heaps.

a little flower pot
black damp soil
fresh shoots of life
blooms and startles
make it right
or wrong
its clay in
your hands
mould or crumble it
water or wither
it will.

past holds
present sustains
future beckons
my spirit undulates.

`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;`;

pieces drearily moving along
automated most oft than not
we're all intrinsically caught
in this maddening tidal song.

we crawl or even glide
at times we get to soar
and then tend to ignore
the entreaties from inside.

move together, but are we
bound and fettered as one
it surely gets undone
this farce we don for free.

dismantle from the weird cog
think you found your liberty
the spokes are for infinity
youre better off in the bog.

a sweet strain from nowhere
wafts along n seems to implore
give in and hold back no more
do as you wish it sure is fair.

Borrowed words

2010-12-29T08:23:00.005+03:00

Stark truth...loved it!!

If you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

~ Pablo Neruda

2010-12-22T08:01:00.002+03:00

its been a while. and somehow wasn't exactly compelled to put anything down. that tells something. was ruing over the fact, how I can view myself so objectively these days. Its like I step out, and look me over, sometimes with disdain and at times with a slight tinge of pride! whatever, the thing is its weird at times too, that I get to appraise myself and pat myself on doing a good job. the truth is, the sad truth is im beginning to be a proper person! not being my quirky impy self! the part seems to be going through a slow degeneration process...i catch sight of it, at times. like i can say the last sighting was on ....stuff! hmm... evolution i guess, a layer comes off, and you don another...ve been watching these nat. geo specials..and love it, and hence the biological reference too. catch myself smiling, when i imagine a refined, dignified, bespectacled, person with a dash of elan and grace...going about her job methodically(!!!), not bad i would think!!

These rounded figures with colours orange, green and grey seems to play havoc at times with the mind. Remarkable, the power of imagination, suggestion, expectation....

2010-12-02T07:52:00.005+03:00

At a stage, when looking at my kids, wonder what would they turn out to be?! Our parents must ve wondered too, and right now what I feel is a sense of foreboding even at times; i mean its really a miracle at work, the process of a being, being built, sculpted, etched, moulded and to arrive, if not finally, at something you refer to as a 'fully-grown' individual!! And its strange how the work of genes come into play, springing up surprises, sometimes pleasant and sometimes not. You can't actually predict, the 'outcome' with a vague blue print you think you hold in your hand! Even leads me to believe that inspite of being our flesh and blood, their mind, their whims, their fancies and yes their feelings can never be a replica of ours, and its insane to harbour such hopes, that seem to raise its hood from within! Yes, reminded of Gibran's quotes, "Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,..." which seems to quell or hush my incomprehensible misgivings for a while, and instill a sense of peace and sublimation; but, yes there is this niggling fear, if and when they turn out to be strangers, its gonna hurt, real bad! ofcourse they definitely will be, in phases, and just hope the phases are not long!
Whoa! What a depressing bemoaning what-might-happen-n-if-it-does-o-what-shall-i-do scenario! But guess, we women do indulge in it once in a while, trying to put things in perspective, ofcourse what is to be done for the next hour can wait, this HAS to be thought over! And actually it all started out from a sad but stark truth, my younger one needs massive cajoling to read, a truth that seems to jeer or rather sneer at me from behind dark curtains every night!!

2010-11-29T09:39:00.003+03:00

love these songs from Once upon a time...Pee loon and tum jo aaye. Haunting music...not the best of all times slot, still...could add on the O bekhabar too..lilting swaying stuff against the raunchy extremely loud but rockable nevertheless...jor ka jatkha!!

this and that...

2010-11-21T08:17:00.003+03:00

Has been a hectic period and few more days left off it! Routine broken, things in a disarray (not that they are picture perfect all the while!), mind juggling chores on the never ending to-do list, and the back of the mind yearning for a slower duller mundane day! Anyways, no major complaints, coz its fine, and I for one, cannot survive without my dose of my-time, and MY indulgences, come what may!! Without which there would be a major shutdown, which leads me to wonder how some can go on, selflessly, not bitten by the 'take the time-out, now' bug, for hours, days and years!! Its all in the mind or its in the chromosomes, am not sure. definitely mine screams for it, once the self-set threshold is crossed!

Have been beset by tears more often; seems to be awaiting, to spill over, or the sacs' muscular retention power seems to have diminished over years, or just going soft in the head! no there hasnt been any public or rather displays at all, just the 'silent ones'. sounds rather dramatic. its not.

there was this upsurge of poetry momentarily, just before sleepdom took over; thought shall put it up, but struck by a rare notion, ve shelved it, to be expressed later, if at all the need arises, personally!

Came across this video about 'language' and found it interesting!

touchwood

2010-11-07T08:43:00.003+03:00

in a stupor, that seems to last
in a haze, that lures me on
through meadows green and beaten paths
a slowish walk, can almost see the golden pot;

the journey so far, sure has been fine
and when it halts, will find me entwine
the real and the surreal all in a mess,
seems strange but for now, think am blessed!

yes tiny tremors, and flips of the heart exist
but nonchalantly and condescendingly i resist;
the stream flows on in its placid mode, i like.
with tiny gurles and babbles do hope to survive.

Poetry

2010-10-07T08:09:00.005+03:00

Found myself pondering on the fact or rather the status quo, of going along or cruising in sheer prose, with few stray moments of missing the poetry part. Mebe only after it was snuffed out; with the awakening of few bitter truths, like poetry is never real, and all that it ever does is lead you nowhere.Yes prose is fine, takes you places, gets things done, keeps you grounded and sane and normal. Things under control. Stable. Peaceful.
But, when there is going to be a slight nudge or mebe a swerve, when I will find myself taking a small but sure step into the bylane, to take a sip, taste the titilating, tingling wine, and drench myself with fanciful flights of fantsy, aah..and then at that moment will step in poetry! :) When the moment does hit me, if at all.
glad im able to step out, while i can! relieved to find myself sober, even at the cost of sounding a bit stuffy! And yes eloquent prose is, and can be as beautiful and as real as can be.

2010-09-27T08:11:00.010+03:00

A strange thing happened with regard to 'relationships', and it sort of shook me a bit. Well, a close (assumed, perhaps) friendship, which had been built and savoured the past 3 years, had a bolt, when she just refused to answer calls!! My this was like way beyond my limited imagination or responding resources! I mean, what do you do? We arent kids or teens; And how can you just wipe it all off, in one big swipe??!! and for what? Have or rather had been racking my blessed brains and memory searching for instances which might have triggered this off. Left with none; or is my memory dwindling fast? Whatever, to tell the truth still in a slightly suspended state of shock and surprise, as to how we take so much for granted!!!sigh! And made me realise that yes, we still are social animals, however hard we try to tell ourselves or rather myself that I am not tied up too much in any relationship, and i take things easy, end up being slammed with the actual truth!!

Addendum
the mist was cleared up, (or so i think!) and was suffused once again with a strange feeling. i mean this entire episode has given rise to many unforeseen queries within myself! ofcourse about self-worth, values, interactions, its huge influence, the need for comradeship, need for just plain girl talk, actually missing someone after a longish while, missing coz u begin to miss parts of you; bottom line being...comfort of a good friend, a real one, with no tags or frills attached, is irreplacable! n ure a gonner if u happen to be in the dumps, sans the comfort!! and this is enlightment, come unwarranted!!!

This and that...

2010-09-14T07:48:00.003+03:00

Missed out on the finals! And ofcourse wanted Djokovic to win! :) Anyhow, give the devil its due...Well loved the tournament this time around. After a longish while got to see some of the matches, and loved every minute of it. Was left to wonder how or why one is riveted to this game where two individuals just happen to hit, to and forth an insignificant object, while we are left to hold our breath each time it whizzes or crashes past those white parallel, perpendicular white lines, marvelling at the speed, angle, dexterity, and audacity of the shots! And the sudden flash of the Indian-Pakistan duo, wow, was so heartwarming and a strange feeling, seeing them out there, and what a game, gave one the goosebumps! Also took me back, those years, when i used to be glued to the TV, backing or religiously rooting for Ivan Lendl, Mats Wilander, Boris Becker, Stefan Edberg, Andre Agassi, Steffi Graff, Gabriella Sabatini and a few more..And after such a long gap being able to absolutely relish the essence of the game almost with the same intensity, was so surprising and comforting too!

Got to see some snatches of movies, like, The Reader, G.I.Jane, Cast Away, Hum Raaz(!), Serendipity,ye tera ghar...and sections of it making a mark somewhere, somehow; watched The Duchess, the entire movie and loved it, loved keira knightley, has done a terrific job i would think.

Was doing some impromptu counselling, related to newly-weds problems!! And caught myself stating how, as years go by you more or less get what youve always wanted to, but it takes time and loads of patience. I think men too go through these cycles of finding and losing and finding again one's 'self'. For women the cycles are a bit too long at times, and a bit too strenuous too! And aptly enough going through a phase of 'ok, im this, and this and this..mebe a little bit of this too..mebe not..', urgh!!!

Dusk

2010-08-09T05:21:00.009+03:00

Twilight (as just plain twilight) whizzed past, and as always evoked some poetry, but with time, left with words - lost or mangled or distorted. broken pieces of thoughts and feelings, just a vague memory -the moment. the residue thought being why is this transient phase, twilight, so breathtakingly beautiful, inspite of its sombre and bordering-on-gloomy backdrop?! dawn and twilight draw their beauty more so from the fact that, they are and fleetingly ephemeral?!; life being life, the times which constitute 'twilight' is beautiful coz, it brings into focus the beauty that is left, to be relished and cherished before the 'shutdown'?! Love them for whatever they are...

didnt want to watch the hindi version(raavan, somehow convinced that ab w/couldnt have done justice) and didn't, but did get to hear the songs; k theyre alright! but behne de pales before the intoxicating tamil version usure poguthe...ofcourse u have to follow the lyrics to be sozzled in them!

will miss the riot of green, the cacaphony of sounds, the awesome semblance of order in disorder, the intermingling of fauna and flora in everyday life, smells of yesteryears, pocketed memories in scribbled pages, and sondha mannin vaasanai (apni mitti ki khushboo)...ofcourse home is where the heart is..and yes home yonder beckons..but, the tug tightens each time...

slice of life

2010-07-18T20:58:00.003+03:00

A dentist visit on your own, or travel by road or rail, gives you ample time for retrospection, and it appears to hit you like a bolt. i mean youre suddenly caught unawares, by some soul searching, without the usually required intense turmoils or upheavals. And of course, music definitely helps! Was listening to Lagaan after a longish while, and just few days earlier caught the movie, most of it. Music is awesome, i mean complete, perfect. Couldnt ask for more. Movie too, sensitive, righteous, evokes all positive emotions, and the right amount of anger and indignation, arouses a heave of pride and joy; a totally feel-good movie. created with such meticulous care and empathy i would think. And the movie somehow reminded me of someone from the past, as if the whole movie was an embodiment of that person. And it was a sudden flash when it occured, enroute a long car drive across terrains close to my heart. The thought that fragments left behind by some,stay, for life. And these fragments makes us all the more unique, these fragments forming their own mosaic within ourselves evolving into a pattern, at different points of our life, when it all seem to fit like pieces of a puzzle, revealing a beautiful vista, captured and treasured. And these instances, seems to reveal the true self, which is so oft shrouded and morphed and as good as lost along our journey...

2010-06-21T14:01:00.004+03:00

Why do the shutters go up and down?
What was thought to be lost is it found?
Familiar scenes and words, that edges me
To pen down strained lines, called poetry.

Peep you can , but not for long
Its for a while don get me wrong.
Show is open for fixed hours
For no known reason or cause.

Left fumbling with no eloquent words
Staring sadly n starkly at closed doors.
I am what i am, and nothings eva changed
But things that hurt, leaves me deranged.

doobo is mein...

2010-06-18T16:44:00.008+03:00

ooooh!!! love this ad...cant seem to get enuf of it!! started with the haunting titilltating music, and has had me hooked on for the past few weeks!!

dead end...sorts

2010-06-07T14:42:00.002+03:00

quit. at work place. had to do it. repercussions are looming large, but have brushed them aside for a while. somehow feel such things happen in a predetermined preordained chain of events. had been feeling lowish for some time now, and nothing seemd to happen that would/could lift my spirits and then it had to culminate in this... self worth get its jolts and boosts, along the journey of life, and this is one juncture, where my self worth came into harsh scrutiny and had to shake myself free of the worth-factor dumped by others, and emerge with a clear and defined picture of self. Not sure where i go on from here...but well, take it as it comes, and yes its going to be tough, have to battle it out..

flashback

2010-05-17T20:27:00.002+03:00

as the strains of the song, floated by, was carried to a distant place, moment, where memories seems so fresh, green!! the melody seemed to seize me and flush me with those very emotions that i was doused in seems-like eons back. caught me by complete surprise the strength and intensity of those i'd-thought forgotten feelings. the flash of the mobile when the world around was deep in slumber, the surprise call midway through dinner, the loong wait that late morning, after a late late night call, the swerve taken and the fear that gripped the occupants of the fida, the only song that was hummable, in the long playlist, the limp goodbye, the crazy days, the crazy events, the crazy me...was it me??! so these things can never be erased, become an integral part of you, the inner you, where a very few have been let in, the real you!!

2010-04-22T23:21:00.002+03:00

kasoor kya hain??
jus not fair...

2010-03-03T16:55:00.004+03:00

As I feel the cool breeze,

Brush past me;

Sense a stirring within,

Of a distant dream.

To feel, when you’ve

almost forgotten;

Hear the beats

Almost muted.

Heart brims over

With know not what;

Nor wish to know

Why or why not.

Just to know or feel

as a touch of breeze;

just to know or sense

a tangible presence...

2010-03-01T00:38:00.000+03:00

Damn!!

Miss you!

tumbling thoughts

2010-01-09T15:29:00.008+03:00

what is it that I regret,
what did I actually expect.
what is it that I earn for,
but even now dare not implore...

you remember, when memories are lost;
or when one is outside your thoughts.
but, the essence very much there, fermenting
the oneness and warmth still haunting.

the same ole crap, 'soulmate',
mustve seemed too chaste.
a soul akin, a mate truly dear
sadly, couldnt last or endure.

while I stand alone by the sea shore,
hurt and dulled by the thud of the door;
the waves seem to gently remind,
some things in life do not rewind.

2010-01-02T09:22:00.004+03:00

Watched a series of movies. Sometimes wonder is it only we who watch so much?? i mean is it not meant to dwindle with age, this 'passion' for watching the flicks?? Anyhow its been more of hindi this time and ofcourse one english going by a suggestion from a fellow blogger!
Rocket Singh, 3 Idiots, and a slightly older one, Wake up Sid. Funniest thing being liked all three. Dint go all ga-ga over any of them, but still, cmon they were highly watchable. Ofcourse pick up stuff, ony with a slight indication of 'its got something different factor'. Well the expectations didnt go awry. And yes found out that Ranbir Kapoor has this cool demeanour, or rather his acting 'style' is sort of underplayed, a thing which you find hard to find in bollywood. He is cool about the entire process, and mebe some would feel he hardly 'acts'!! Well, each to his/her own. None of the above movies had anything serious or very touching (though had miniscule parts), all light movies, but still would like to think Bollywood has come a long way, able to come up with refreshing creations not always throwing the obvious on your face, with the glare and blare and contrived characters and scenes! Phew, were almost done with those!
Seven pounds was an entirely different genre. It was a very intense movie, a bit slow but reaches to you in an instant, grips you and makes you wring, cringe, weep and sigh. Sort of haunts you for a while.
More like a book, and led me to think that a good movie or its termed as good by self, when you are left with a feeling of having read a good book,- the characters live, events all most real, and when it somehow finds its way into your inner self and moves or rather stirs up your dormant emotions!
And as these two have featured, wouldnt want to leave 'music' far behind! Recently got hold of a online radio station, and was like getting back to my first love!! :)
Resolution has been to try and be more organized!! Plan out more, phase out more and do more. Well, lets see how it goes...

2009-12-12T02:29:00.002+03:00

life is filled with mirrors, which serve to reflect different facets of self...its only at times, that we are arrested or pulled towards these mirrors, to stand and take a good deep look at ourselves. Most of the time we fail to see the reflection, and rush by...some people, some instances, some occurences, reflect a shade or a hidden dormant part of us, and we are filled with awe and wonder, for we'd ceased believing that these trinkets lay hidden, deep within; to be aroused and spring alive, requires those magical moments and triggers. what is life if not for these surprise triggers, which come in unimaginable and unfathomable forms....!

2009-12-08T23:12:00.002+03:00

ve been listening to 'hotel california' and being drawn into the realms of yesteryears n what a mesmirising voice and the haunting music.....and wow....'you can check out any time, but you can never leave'.....the innumerable instances when you've felt exactly this way, be it memory or a person..its just that we the unfortunate few, who find it so hard to let go....clingers we are.....refuse to part (with)....

2009-11-10T19:46:00.001+03:00

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deeply.
Let it ferment and season you.
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

-Hafez, poet (1315-1390)

2009-10-22T15:54:00.005+03:00

So you feel hurt when your (once-upon-a-time) little ones hurt you; you think you have to show them you are hurt; try to remain aloof, cut-off and put up a silent front; not sure if it has registered at all, the effort the display of cold-shoulderness; if it has made any dent at all. Then the gnawing starts, bah things arent fun, when youre on your own. Thoughts arent as buoyant, things arent the same, even close to being the same, as when its shared with your brood!!
Frightening the thought that rushes in, theyre going to be missed bad; when the fledgings leave home for distnat shores! and along with it, a premonition sorts, for the onslaught of pain that would arise from sheer callousness and give-a-damn-attitude that is to be thrown at will, in the coming years!! God help me, through the turbulent teens!! May peace prevail!!

And then ofcourse there is the flip side!!....

..

2009-10-06T22:42:00.001+03:00

A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever

by John Keats

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old, and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid-forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
All lovely tales that we have heard or read:
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.

Nor do we merely feel these essences
For one short hour; no, even as the trees
That whisper round a temple become soon
Dear as the temple's self, so does the moon,
The passion poesy, glories infinite,
Haunt us till they become a cheering light
Unto our souls, and bound to us so fast
That, whether there be shine or gloom o'ercast,
They always must be with us, or we die.

Therefore, 'tis with full happiness that I
Will trace the story of Endymion.
The very music of the name has gone
Into my being, and each pleasant scene
Is growing fresh before me as the green
Of our own valleys: so I will begin
Now while I cannot hear the city's din;
Now while the early budders are just new,
And run in mazes of the youngest hue
About old forests; while the willow trails
Its delicate amber; and the dairy pails
Bring home increase of milk. And, as the year
Grows lush in juicy stalks, I'll smoothly steer
My little boat, for many quiet hours,
With streams that deepen freshly into bowers.
Many and many a verse I hope to write,
Before the daisies, vermeil rimmed and white,
Hide in deep herbage; and ere yet the bees
Hum about globes of clover and sweet peas,
I must be near the middle of my story.
O may no wintry season, bare and hoary,
See it half finished: but let Autumn bold,
With universal tinge of sober gold,
Be all about me when I make an end!
And now at once, adventuresome, I send
My herald thought into a wilderness:
There let its trumpet blow, and quickly dress
My uncertain path with green, that I may speed
Easily onward, thorough flowers and weed.

Dissection

2009-09-22T07:43:00.008+03:00

Is it always an illusion? We see what we want to see, feel what we like to feel?? Is it always a projected image completely based on our dreams and imagination?? Or maybe we tend to overlook the parts which are not in accordance to our 'taste' and allow ourselves to be overpowered by the parts which do 'appeal' to us. A thin fragile base on which we build edifices, castles on clouds or so to say. And when these wafer thin elements break, find ourselves without a footing. when everything vapourises, into nothing, leaving behind a huge vacuum with the bellowing silence, it is unnerving, to say the least. The part of you with parts of 'whatever it was' remains restless, athirst for what was, even if it be a trickling drop. This again is sheer imagery? The dull throbing 'whatever' makes one think otherwise.

Love Aaj Kal

2009-08-29T09:00:00.005+03:00

yes happened to watch the movie, and well was surprised, the way it turned out to be! Didnt realize that it was a product of a popular director, who had sort of let-down his fans, with this 'mediocre stuff'. ('Kaminey' was a bit of a let-down which ofcourse is just my opinion) So expecting nothing, had a slow gently-moving film, excluding those brash, loud song sequences. Coming to the crux of my thoughts, the scene where both saif and deepika have these 'seizures'; seized by this compulsion to reach out, meet, talk, just make that connection. So people who cant fly miles(or catch a train!), take a ride in the countryside, barge doors, deliver speeches what do you do??? When we can not do it the cinematic way, it boils down to, the feeling not being strong/good/valid enough???

2009-08-26T23:33:00.002+03:00

For the parched desert,
the showers were a blessing.
as the drops trickled in,
life seemed to course through.

Being denied brutally of what
had been assumed to be perenial.
Something deep inside snuffed out,
With a dismissal not unfirmly done.

what if

2009-07-27T12:33:00.002+03:00

what if i...
does it help, if i do?
changes anything?
jus for that skip?
for the rush, do i play?
is it play? cold play
never knew how to.
as with adieu.

2009-07-20T16:05:00.003+03:00

Footprints on sand
Rustled Autumn leaves
Stirred currents
whispered nothings

As years slide by
and moments glide by
wheels of change
chugs along to
the change of gears.

A pleasant ride
A lovely journey
Dreams and wishes
sure to turn true.

2009-07-15T10:57:00.006+03:00

why does it hurt so
why not just let go

if it isnt there
why do i care?

tell my heart to stop
not to cringe and mop

seems to beat on its own
to a tune long written by anon

pull a smile onto my lips
shut the door to one-way trips.

2009-07-08T12:36:00.003+03:00

DEV D- caught it, a few days back, and hit me like a bolt. Fell absolutely in love with it! Somehow got sucked into the vortex, and the experience was awesome. Not able to pin point when, where or how!! Well the sensual makeup of the entire movie, the lazy drawl it held on to, interspersed with some scintillating scenes and potrayals, made for a great mesmirizing watch.

Duskish

2009-07-05T08:52:00.003+03:00

Lethargic, Listless
Wane, weary
melancholic, morbid
dormant, detached
sombre, somnolent
resigned, reticent
alienated,aged?

2009-06-15T08:44:00.003+03:00

The twist of irony that shapes the lives of few...where do they draw their strengths from, and for how long...the bleakness of it all, does it hit them every morning, as the rays lit the skies, and each night as they close their lids, heavy and weighed down? What is that keeps them trudging along, traverse the narrow lanes, and the endless bridges to be crossed; My heart goes out to these few, with whom you have a dear relationship, but, can really do nothing much; other than being around whenever, whatever.

Was so hurt at the horrendous display of the men in blue. There has been responses - seething, scathing and diplomatic from the millions who had misplaced their faith so badly on the 11 out there; to lift the nation's pride on their shoudlers or just play plain passionate cricket. What a sham!!

Moments are made up of these....

2009-05-23T08:41:00.004+03:00

so when the question popped out as, where YOUR heart is? was stumped for a while, though came back with some vague, long winding answer, wasn't convinced. Later gave thought to it, and musing over it through the days, realised, the heart is where it thumps loud and clear! Things that arouse you, make you feel all alive, blessed to be alive, things that makes a smile linger on your face, for a while, things that bring up a lump in your throat, things that make your eyes brim with shed or unshed tears, things that bring a song to your lips; and the things, at times might, just might, happen to be 'people'!

Watching Gilchrist blistering away and marvelling at the newcomers' splendid work with the bat and ball, was such a lovely moment; more so cause, havent actually got down to watch any of the 59 said matches. So it was like being back amidst old friends, the familiar joy, excitement, anger, frustration, the thrill the bliss! And couple of days back, listening to snatches of an old song(not so popular) on the radio, song from my teen years, and words tumbling out from the recesses of my brain and the memories along with it was awesome, and mind-boggling! RAM is in pretty good shape, I guess! Was amazed again at something that happened, when it struck, as this is the moment, when this relationship takes on a new shade, or moves on to the next phase, like a flashing bolt, and led me to chew on, the famous 'you had me at hello' line! sigh! what a movie...!

thin ice

2009-05-19T15:07:00.002+03:00

As she smiles and nods her head,
a pain seizes him, from nowhere.
what that holds them is a thread,
a beautiful tapestry gone all bare.

When did it all began, the crack
when did it widen so rapidly?
What should he do, to get it back,
The moments which swayed so vibrantly.

The indifference, the dig,
the sneer, the scheming ploy.
How it turned all so unnerving,
feelings in an awful turmoil.

As i watch him twinge and turn
Can all but shake my head.
There is still so much to learn
So much felt, so much dread, unsaid.

`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

Sea Journey

when a slight twinge knocks gently
dont be fooled.
you are in for a tumult,
that slowly morphs
into a roaring sea,
left on your own, all alone.

Caught in the eddies,
goin in circles, tossed
around by the waves,
flung and thrashed,
dunked and dazed,
search for a log;
cling on, for dear life,
the waves come afresh.

The land in sight?
ofcourse its the light,
the sun plays while you
float along the drowsy sea.
skin tanned, mind benumbed,
a vacum filled buoying journey.

Time can never mend...

2009-04-25T00:00:00.003+03:00

Its just that at times a void, a hole, a small one, refuses to be filled. its not a gaping hole, nor does it gnaw all day long; it does gnaw, it does haunt me. Times when it hits me, that a tiny part of me is lost. Meaning of words, songs, scenes, moments appear thwarted or remain remotely distant.

This is just an attempt at some juggling and something else too. A small stroll into lanes ive been away from, for some time now..its plagarism alright, but these are words that keep me company, and seem to have urged me, prodded me into doing this mish-mash stuff!

all i ever wanted..
was always obscure;
mebe hoping i would hear the words
you are so beautiful to me.

but then how could you be so heartless?
if i were a boy, could've done
a zillion things..

yes i did say you'll never see me again
guess i wasn't counting on the teardrops on my guitar.
nor aceept that it haunted me all the way home.

wherever you go
i'll always know
but its time to face the truth
and stay on being mute.

songs...

2009-03-23T14:32:00.008+03:00

they can be so dear,
sometimes to cheer,
at times, brings a tear,
as, memories it does stir.

some songs stay on forever,
some you fail to remember;
some pierces your soul,
even as it slowly unfolds.

some makes your feet drum
to the beat, even as you hum;
some makes you rewind and unwind,
leaving you dreamy, and sublime.

sometimes gives you a tiny flip,
when it takes on, a flashback trip;
sometimes you're drawn by the newbies,
as they rekindle, your burried dreams.

Give me a tune, or a song anyday,
to its lilt, I would gladly sway;
fills my soul, like nothing else,
true to me, we're forever-friends.

Solitude

2009-03-07T08:32:00.000+03:00

moments we sometimes steal,
and relish and treasure;
an exposure to what we feel,
be it sheer pain or pleasure.

moments we happen to stumble upon
revealing a wide myriad of thoughts;
edging us to reflect, but move on
while unraveling life's, jumbled knots.

for some, the call comes often,
for many, it is never heard.
through the years it may lessen,
when you mind is safely fettered.

The Waves...

2009-02-21T08:14:00.007+03:00

I ought to listen more and more,
Unplug these earplugs, I do deplore;
caught up in a strident, discordant din,
Oft, I forget or fail to look within...

The etched, rounded pebbles,
enslaved by the sea’s garbles;
They seem to glisten,in the moonlight,
awaiting the alluring splash,with a smile.

As i walk, the skyline takes my breath away,
The seagulls beckon me, to a land far away.
As i drink in the scene, and draw in the salty air,
Filled with words, and dreams, that are so obscure.

2009-01-26T08:59:00.001+03:00

So the serpent dance, seems to be drawing to a close, or so I would like to think; the two headed one. I m not a Geminian for sure, but twin avatars entwined as one, I sure am. Or hoping to make it a ‘was’.

There is this sane, mature, ‘regular’ me who seems to be mellowing down with age, gracefully, the mind being more tuned to things, which are calming, which has more depth, things which make you both change or accept your ancestry, your beliefs , your self-procured knowledge about the world at large, and your own limitations, qualifications and reinstating the stance of, where I stand in the overall equation of things.

And then ofcourse there is this other part, the more sinister one, the more effervescent one, the more volatile one; the one over which I have not, much control, and at many instants of time, didn’t want to !! But now, I would think the game is over, the coins are to go back into their boxes, and the board closed shut. Keeping the lid shut, might work in snuffing out the serpentine form, from raising its hood, ever so often. Will it work in silencing the haunting sweet notes that seem to drift in from nowhere, making me dance to its tune, with abandon? Will it make the words that seem to rule my senses, vanish, and be banished away to a distant land? Will it still my restless soul, plagued by a dull throbbing ache, which seems to take ages, to fade away?

If it does, do I cease to be who I am? Atleast I would have a form, which does not play tricks, with my mind, heart and soul. A form which would be set, stable and cognizable; sans the allusions and delusions. A form which I better get used to; a ‘me’, I should begin to or try to, identify with more, and fasten myself to. As the snake sheds its coat, I assume at this point in my life, I rip off this second skin of mine, and slither into the maddening crowd. The coat that grows on me, with time, will tell…..

Hooded Girl...

2009-01-03T18:29:00.003+03:00

Childhood trapped, gawd how it stifles,
Maidenhood lived and borne, behind veiled cells.

Eyes that seem, to probe and dare,
Speaks so much, with just a glare.

Innocence, wiped away and shredded.
Left with a weighing maturity, and dread.

If it is to shield and screen,
What is left to dream and preen?

The delicate neck, the quivering lips,
The flowing tresses, the swaying hips.

Concealed, are the thoughts- aborted;
Buried along with wishes- thwarted.

Childish whims, misty muses,
Dainty dreams n’ crazy fancies.

Curbed and Stowed away early,
You’re a mellowed woman, my girly.

2008-12-12T17:51:00.010+03:00

As the rain drops fall,
The gentle pit-pat,
The slow drenching,
I go for the run.

As my curls dance,
Skin tickles and
Face being caressed,
Turn away.

When the rays ,
Warms, revives and
Thaws me;
Pull out the shades.

Walk on the grass;
Feel the verve,
Pulsate and throb.
Step onto the tiles.

As i behold the scene,
The splendour of it;
As it drugs n mesmerises,
Glance away.

Tentative,
Have always been.
Darting movements
As befits, a fish; I am.

As the bud yearns for the rays,
As the earth for the drops,
To bloom and thrive
So do I.

Few words from Tagore’s, which i guess would make some sense, somewhere...
“ He who can open the bud does it so simply.
He gives it a glance, and the life-sap stirs through its veins.
At his breath the flower spreads its wings and flutters in the wind.
Colours flush out like heart-longings, the perfume betrays a sweet secret.
He who can open the bud does it so simply.”

Softly...

2008-12-06T08:37:00.000+03:00

The soft ball came thudding,
Hit me gently;
But the waves
Resounded, through the day.

The moment
The thud;
The memory
It revived.

The fuzzy cloud
Stayed, but for a while.
The moment(s) though
Etched, for an infinite time.
Realized.

Motley again!!

2008-11-29T07:06:00.006+03:00

Although had planned to type away on topics totally unrelated, all that stays impringed on the mind are the scenes of horror and tragedy that seems to have struck the unfortunate few/many, simply because they chose to, happen to be there at that moment of time. What background, what influence, what drilling and what drive, that singular drive could make them spray bullets, as they did, puncturing the bodies of their fellowmen, at will, at ease as if they were mere flies??? The strain of thoughts that would run through their minds, and what led their mind to turn all so twisted, is a heavy question, one that would for sure, yeild some real contorted, answers.

Had the opportunity to go through Kahlil Gibran's writings recently. And it was a revelation. Was touched, moved and inspired. Moved visibly. A writing that goes a long way in reacing out to you, and staying with you for quite some time. Especially so his 'Prophet'. Yes, many find it too prophetical, i found it refreshingly enlightening, though put it that way it does seem all heavy. Well, each to his own, personally, absolutely loved his thoughts and thirst for more!

So cricket has been on a high! On a roll! Left me wondering, how long it would be before the magic and the mantras of the cricketdom, would cease to have its effect on me, being 'physically' away from it all. How many millions more or still hanging on to the few strings that keep them connected to this enigmatic sport, phenomenon, only for the inexplicable surge of joy that it happens to bestow on its ardent, faithful followers! Vive La Cricketo!!

Had been meaning to write about this serious topic of religion, in an off-tangent sense, for some time now, but not been able to do it. (So here goes a fresh attempt again, and more so as there has been some headline news with regard to this!) Nothing to do with the core topic, but how it changes people, or rather how or why people change religions!! Have had few personal experiences where ive seen people shifting towards another faith, close friends; and other experiences where friends again, who have made attempts to make me follow suit!! Now again these individuals are sane, sensible, very practical down to earth people, and people whom ive known for years. And when you see them being chaged, morphed, into entities totally strange to you, it has an eerie effect, to put it lightly. No, im not against people changing thier faiths, beliefs, it is absolutely personal. But its just that, when i try to put myself in their shoes, it just doesnt seem to fit! Left with questions like, would i, will i ever, is it not losing an essential part of your very identity/self? maybe not. Well too many questions and too many answers i would think. Well comfort myself with the thought that, what makes them happy,strong, fulfilled and grateful and hopeful with respect to 'their' life, is a very valid factor, for the path they have chosen, in combating, confronting and embracing life.

Throw into the cauldron....

2008-11-14T07:41:00.007+03:00

The vagaries of human mind -
the ecletic strategies employed
the multitudinous masks worn and flung
the uncanny swiftness mood can swing.
A smile an instant, a sneer the next
A warm remark,
A snide jeer.
Few hugs,
few blows,
Few tears,
few lows.
Few laughs
few growls.
A close knit unit
Frayed at times.
Fight n bitch
cringe n twitch
cheer n dare
glow and glare.
Tossed in a sea of
vacilating pandemonium of
emotions, high strung.
You like it you hate it
you love it you bear it
you make it you break it
it stays the huge cauldron
of brewing bubbling
fuming steaming
medley of sentiments,
and much more...

not a very good concoction of words, not able to string them as i would want to..but just had to put it down, so more of a poor effort.

¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.¬.

A slammed door
A wiped slate
A muted song
A Cold stance.

Brings but a smile
know not why!

Elusive wafts...

2008-11-06T23:19:00.008+03:00

When the echoes bellow,
stillness, does grow.
seems to sneer at my whims;
longs, but for a glimpse.
of things spelt, things dreamt;
things felt, things meant.

Amidst the whirlwind of thoughts
and even when caught up in knots;
there seems to exist a page,
where i need to rest my gaze.
where i need to stop awhile or more,
to seek, to replenish, or implore.

Hibernation Thoughts

2008-10-12T09:54:00.010+03:00

Been away from the world at large, partly abstinence and partly other factors. And whatever be the reason, it always works. In kicking up some dust, inside. Reminded of those ancient sages who withdrew into the forests, to do their share of tapasyas, of self denial, self restricted procedures to attain penance, atonement??? Well, all the same, was blessed with some ‘sense’ and not sure if it was enlightment, but some insights definitely. Was caught in some situations, instances which did seem to reinforce or reinstate the fact that there is a Force acting upon us, whose modus operandi is way beyond our comprehension. And when we begin to see each hurdle or blockade as an implant, which makes us aware of a veering point, to steer us onto something more relevant or more promising, things become easier and clearer. As age creeps in, such spiritual stuff stealthily trickles in i guess! Not that i mind, when the awareness of self becomes more lucid, there is so much more peace; and ofcourse Nirvana is not what I'm in search of, but still, when some answers are revealed, you cannot be but grateful, amidst your reigning perennial internal chaos!

Other pearls of wisdom, acknowledged were, that ties and bonds made, held close and cherished once, will remain. Your attempts at flaming or dousing them, is not going to yield remarkable results. They are like diamonds, though take their time in forming, will be around alright, for some eons to come. It remains, a diamond to one, and sadly comes across as a carbon structure to another. But it remains, no denying, etched. AND once the structure if formed, there is absolutely no point in trying to mould it, roll it, or play around with, at will. Its worth is, for what it is, not what it can be. Saddens to realise, that it fails to be accredited, and the sparkle being lost somewhere along.

Lots more churning thoughts, but its getting too stuffy i guess, so shall stop for now....

Depth

2008-09-23T10:12:00.004+03:00

How deep are your thoughts? How deep is your knowledge? How deep is your commitment? How deep are your feelings? How deep is your insight?

Have a feeling that I have been slowly, but surely growing shallower by the day. Have been one, to always stress upon this ‘depth’ factor. Would always like to adhere fast to it, and have to an extent. But then there are times when you can sense your shallowness, cockiness, frivolity mocking at you from afar, or maybe not so far. When you tend to waddle and wobble in ‘shallow waters’ for reasons beyond my realms of comprehension. When you refuse to, or there is this reluctance to leave the play-pen, while being totally aware of the futility of the whole exercise or play or foolery.

Depth would equate to entrenchment. Firmness. Strength. What I am – pliable, not rigid. Solid, not stiff. Rooted, not immovable!! So, based on this self-analysis I see myself, as a swaying grass, touched by the breeze, scorched by the sun and drenched by the rains, and still hold on fast to my ground, held by my strong roots which run deep!

(who said writing is not a cathartic tool!)

Impetuous

2008-09-18T09:34:00.002+03:00

Impetuous wanna be;
spell it out?
wild rush of adrenaline
screeches to a halt.

clenched fists
lips drawn thin;
puckered brows
silent screams.

tumultuous moments
comes to naught.
rage at self
and at, what.

sense
blame
swear
stay.

2008-09-05T18:22:00.005+03:00

Dil hai tho phir dard hoga….
Goes the lyrics;
Dil.
where is it?
See no trace….

When does it rise from its slumber,
When does it take form, in a flash
When does it dance in merriment,
When does it turn fragile, as glass?

When does it wilt and swoon,
When does the pain seep in,
When does the hollow echoes boom,
When does the aching silence fill in?

Comfortably numb.

No signs of discomfort or pain
No alarming variations.
No blocks or 'chokes' detected.
Normal ECG.
Diagnosis - Condition of the heart, perfect.
(or so it seems...)

Motley thoughts

2008-09-04T21:39:00.004+03:00

Geometrical precision, in folding napkins, laying the table, slicing the fish, rolling out the rotis, or be it the everyday dosa!!! Phew had my share, and gasp for some loads of imperfection! Led me to think, how the 'quirk' in me always tend to be drawn by the slightly askew blade of grass, the slightly offshade leaf, the slanting or irregular writing, what always draws my attention or rather interest has been something not precise, not definite, not what you would expect something to be. And this line of thought further led me to come to terms with the fact, as to why the groove in which I am expected to stay put, becomes a rut, soon! Maybe, mebe, the 'creative', 'artistic' streak in me screams for more shades, more hues, more muddle, more swirls, more zing!!! God save me!! :)

2008-08-12T15:07:00.002+03:00

Not in my DNA definitely......
But,
as i pluck at the strings,
eyes sting,
blurs for a while,
an ache,
that seems to stay
deep down,
and as i pluck at the strings,
seems to surface
afresh,
memories washing ashore,
words
in mid air,
said and unsaid,
as i pluck at the strings,
of my leaden heart....

Power of words...

2008-07-14T12:48:00.005+03:00

" I am restless. I am athirst for far-away things.
My soul goes out in a longing to touch the skirt of the dim
distance.
O Great Beyond, O the keen call of thy flute!
I forget, I ever forget, that I have no wings to fly, that I am
bound in this spot evermore.

I am eager and wakeful, I am a stranger in a strange land.
Thy breath comes to me whispering an impossible hope.
Thy tongue is known to my heart as its very own.
O Far-to-seek, O the keen call of thy flute!
I forget, I ever forget, that I know not the way, that I have not
the winged horse.

I am listless, I am a wanderer in my heart.
In the sunny haze of the languid hours, what vast vision of thine
takes shape in the blue of the sky!
O Farthest end, O the keen call of thy flute!
I forget, I ever forget, that the gates are shut everywhere in
the house where I dwell alone!"

Tagore (The Gardener)

If it can be so soul stirring in English, cannot but imagine, how it would be in Bengali, the original!

Misty Drops

2008-07-03T08:37:00.003+03:00

The lovely, shy coconut palms dripping wet, appear to huddle together, even as their fronds seem to tremble and quiver in the cold. They looked beautiful, as did the whole misty damp scene. Led me to think, how different they are from the stark, stiff, bulky counterparts found here, maybe coz they have never been touched and caressed by the gentle rain drops from above? Or been swayed and drenched by the gentle and sometimes brutal wet draughts of wind? Or had the gurgling muddy water lap at their feet, maybe tickling them, for days together? Reminded me of a bevy of young maidens, beautiful and laden with tales untold!

The long, winding muddy ropes as seen from above was a surprise, to say the least. Almost looked like the amazons, huge and feisty. And loved the muddy, red earthy colour of the soil, looking all squelchy and mushy, with tiny pools, almost made me want to dip my fingers in, to get the feel of it!

Whizzing by lands, homeland and new found ones, wondered how the heart gets tugged and pulled by infinite strings, and each tug is a pleasure!

Glimpse of Heaven

2008-06-30T08:30:00.002+03:00

The angular metal sheet, mars my view.
Not my delight.
As I gaze, in a daze,
The vision, the awesome sight.

‘Heaven above’ conjured up eons ago;
This is it; this truly is.
If so,
Where are the Gods?
The St.Peter’s Gate, or
Our own Tridevs?

White, soft, fluffy, clumps…
When touched though, retorts
with quite a few bumps!

Some seated, all sedate,
As if, for posterity.
While, the wispy ones,
Seemed all in a hurry.

Some not as curvaceous,
As streaks, or waves,
Lapping the shores,
But in silent ways.

And thus I descend,
On to earth.
Having been, to heaven
And back.

It’s there, for me to soar,
In my dreams;
When I would need,
Some quiet and peace.

2008-06-09T08:10:00.004+03:00

The cracked sods
Watch the clouds drift by;
Thirsts for the drench,
And then it pours.

Are they the passing clouds,
Shifting clouds,
Transient clouds,
Grey clouds.

When it falls pitter-patter,
The earth heaves
And trembles.
Bursts and blooms,
Blushes and glows.

The summer shower
Paints the scape
In iridescent hues.
But comes with
The blues.

Veil

2008-06-02T08:02:00.001+03:00

The glazed eyes
Startle.
What, oh what doth
lies beyond
Those kohl lined,
Shaded lids?

Searing pain,
Of quelled dreams;
A misty desire,
for untread realms;
A search futile
for the lost soul;

As the trails sweep
the marbled floors,
she seems to carry along;
An air laden with,
frozen senses, greyed horizon,
doused fire, a stilled heart.

Maybe
Shes happy,
the reigning queen
in her castle.
Maybe not.

Maybe one is.
And the other
Not.

For
They don’t always come
in shades of black,
Or in visible forms,
The veil.

S I G H !

2008-05-27T07:40:00.008+03:00

Sigh! Do miss these matches!! what would i not give to be there, in the midst of all the fun, revelry, excitement, the drama, the roller coaster ride of emotions. Can almost sense the magic, almost feel the palpitations, almost hear the roaring crowd...sigh...almost! When you guys seemed to be dolled out an excessive overdose day in and day out....all am left is an empty platter, echoing with memories.

Cricket has always been a wonderful leveller for me. Works/worked every time. Everything else is wiped aside, preferably pushed under the carpet. And then on it reigns supreme. Everything else becomes a distant hazy apparition, to be countered later. As the saying goes, Happiness is having something to do...settling yourself to be engulfed by the match, something to love....the very sight of the coin doing its flip in the air, and thereon what follows, something to hope for....the upcoming series!!

The sweet sound of the willow, the sweet sight of the run-up, the heart-wrenching finish, the glorious sweep, the awesome line, the breath-taking catch, the terrific stop, the cheeky run, the pathetic drop, the horrendous throw, the victory dance, the silent glare, the pumping fist, the cheering crowd, the blinding lights, the fiesty ball, the cracking shot.....sigh! sigh! sigh!

At times

2008-05-22T23:46:00.007+03:00

At times
It leaps out from its slumber
Snarls at my face,
Seems to smile, even as it’s
Vicious fangs seem to sting.
Chilling eyes boring into my very soul;
And then it slithers back, stays coiled,
Until
It strikes again.

At times
Sidles in,
Through the crevices;
Feel it, as I would -
A breeze playing with my curls
An exquisite fragrance playing with my senses
Mesmerising music playing with the strings of my heart.
Quixotic it’s made me.

At times
Wakes up, with me,
Breathes with me,
Moves with me.
Clings to me.
Naah..not today, won’t leave my side;
So close, so near,so dear;
Stays with me;
And as my lids droop, bids me farewell.

What is, that
Haunts me, taunts me?
Besieges me, beseeches me?
Girdles me, cradles me?
What is, that
Makes my days sweeter,
My spirits lighter?

Have the answer.
‘Illusion’.
That, which does not exist,
Except that
It does.
Deep within,
Safe and sound.
Will hold on.
Will stay on.

puzzling

2008-04-19T08:08:00.001+03:00

Somewhere, somehow, find myself
Ambling, plodding, trudging;
Have I lost my way?
Have I lost something else?
Left with pieces,
Pieces of the puzzle,
Muted, jagged reminders,
Lying asunder,
Inert and wanton.

comes to rescue

2008-04-12T08:23:00.003+03:00

Chanced upon a great classic, or would rather say, rummaged, and poked around until I could salvage some decent reading material, amongst the few rows of books lined up; with either pitiable stuff or weird unfamiliar paperbacks in a total alien (but now becoming a familiar) script. Was rather suffused with remorse, that, in a place hoarded and stashed up with ceiling high racks of consumable stuff and what not, stretching for miles, the space designed or designated for books, was a meager skimpy diminutive rack, almost hidden out of sight, of say some three shelves in all.
Ye books becoming obsolete, or rather in this part of the world, a land not steeped in much history or heritage of any remarkable note, where there is this drive, rush to merge with the west, while still holding on to the minimal but staunch beliefs and mores, which I would think, seem to somehow waver and tremble and well on its way to extinction, even if not now, the day isn’t long off.

And yes the book is great, huge one so can get back to it anytime, gives you comfort and refuge as none, leads you through hills and dales, where you wander ‘as lonely as a cloud’, ponder, smile, grieve, relish, concur, comprehend, and ofcourse turnover and go to sleep!

mirages in the sand

2008-04-12T07:27:00.002+03:00

Allusions.

Illusions.

Delusions.

how

2008-04-02T09:19:00.001+03:00

How do you
Detangle …
The entangled … entwined…
Presence?

How do you
Break…
The cemented…alloyed
Presence

How do you
wash away…
the ingrained…specks of grains
Rip up…
the warp and weft ….the fabric

How do you tear apart…
snuff…
clobber…
shred to pieces…
the pervading…
Presence.

Permeates….,
Scenes
Tunes
Tremors
You feel,
Air u breathe….

Can sigh
Try n try…
Will slay …
the damn fuzzy feelings
One Day.

grounded..reality check..(chopped wings)...

2008-03-27T08:17:00.005+03:00

Yes, have made this ‘decision’ of going no more in circles, (it’ll be in squares, can hear a voice quip), and am not going to allow any voice have its say, in the long run. Trying to exercise, some auto suggestion techniques, here. Now on its going to be one straight fast lane, no turns, no detours, no stopovers (what a dreary path). Its going to be fine, stick to your lane, look ahead, and keep moving. Sticking to the lane has been the toughest call and will be, but guess shall make it. And yes the reality part. Curtain calls for all hazy mazey blurry imaginations, visualizations. They’re all just what they are – imaginations, nothing more nothing less. Yes a part of me is being asked to squash up, give up ‘things’; but the clearing up stuff, annual spring cleaning, does good! (it better)

Having said all of that, some musings on my innate tie, communion with music; (which again is never going to allow me to cruise along ‘straight’) . On top of the list was Somebody’s me. From the moment he starts with you…the world would stop. This guy has it to stop a million worlds I guess, anyhow, was telling myself if you fail to react, respond(strongly), to this one, irrespective of age, place, sex(am not sure about that one), one need to better check up their hormonal levels. Convinced myself that, it’s this guy, who has the entire, supposedly weaker section of the population at his feet, who is casting this magic. And then bang on this song had to land from out of nowhere, and...keeps me rooted too. Bubbly its called, though its got absolutely nothing bubbly about it. So maybe when they sing cry their souls out, with minimal music (banging), it gets to me.

And the worst part, this soul stirring music helps me least, in this not-so-simple, not-so-easy (arduous) journey of keeping my feet well rooted to the ground. But then without these ‘minor distractions’, am never going to make it anywhere, anyways, so as well take them.

Hoping, no, am sure that this AST (Autosuggestiontherapy) thing is going to work out, straighten me out, or rather just my grey cells a bit, on second thoughts, hope I am left with few curves though!!

BD blues!

2008-03-18T09:08:00.001+03:00

Birthdays tend to have this sobering effect. Jeez..people do love you, people do remember you, people do care enough to send across their wishes.

Strikes you as how, in this roulette wheel of life, the great wheel comes to a slow grinding halt for a day and, people who do think, you are special, are there right before you! And then life rolls on, all over again!

So still hanging on to the upbeat mood, still savouring the last few crumbs of the special day, still reluctant to slip into the maddening ‘goinincircles’ mode. State of bliss is fine, even if (i allow it) for jus a day, and love this Tagore’s quote ‘pleasure is like a frail dewdrop, while it laughs it dies.’

2008-03-16T15:57:00.001+03:00

some experimenting....

2008-03-16T15:54:00.000+03:00

2008-03-09T10:30:00.002+03:00

Play dumb
Try staying numb
What is, to construe
Can’t glean a clue
Safe and sound
Tumults abound
Jee le
ya..

Main aisa hi hoon….!

2008-03-03T09:03:00.004+03:00

We are - what we are?
what we do?
who we are?
why we are??

Complex questions raising its hood at regular instances, off late.

Who am I? Am I, what I think I am, or I am not? Realise there are so many layers, or rather avatars, which one is ordained to slip into, and go through the ritual before the real self is revealed. Sometimes its like switching roles with so much ease, switching masks, senses, moods, wants, all racing and going clickety clak in the blessed brain, before it comes to a standby mode, when you get to reflect; or sometimes just too exhausted with this swirling trips that you just get on into the next oncoming train, of thought.

Reminded of this basic Hindu philosophy wherein the layers of self, peel like the layers of an onion only to reveal the nothingness, which again is THE existential being…or whatever! And yes maybe I m going through this process!! Wow, that’s a revelation!

Coming back to my initial question, are we what we are, because of what we do or what we think? A single action or thought cannot catalogue us or comparmentalise us into rigid slots. Agreed, maybe it’s a cluster of thoughts pertaining to a particular subject, which in some amoebic form stays in the mind, suspended, feeling its way, ruminating as to, has it come to stay or its just a passing visit, before being evicted out, or taken into the folds with open arms. Am not sure at all, if I am making any sense here.

The bottom line being what you perceive your self to be, over the years, is not as heartening as you would want it to be; I mean what you see, the end product! Some people sort of mould or shape themselves, right from their early years, you know, chipping, polishing, as they would a piece of art; that is what one is supposed to do I guess. As for me, and I tell myself that there are others out there too, who just let the evolution do its part!! I mean allow ourselves to evolve. The application part, has always been very spasmodic, not a sustained religious one. And the real downside to this entire thought process has been that, when I see a glimpse of my ‘ laidback’ shades in my progeny there is this huge load of guilt and remorse which seems to stifle and throttle me with questions, answers for which I have none.

Had been listening to the local FM for the past couple of days last week, which seemed to slowly cast a sort of mesmerizing spell, and weekend, got myself drenched, sodden with some long forgotten old time favourite numbers. How you get sucked into this soulful music, especially so when its those which had been part of your growing up years, seems so much etched, part of you. ‘Yesterday, The winner takes it all, look away, …and lots more. Was suffused with a sense of absolution, a great way to start the week I presume.

2008-02-27T08:24:00.003+03:00

These word puzzles have always been my weakness. Love spending hours over them, online scrabble was a huge temptress some time back. Love the play of words, though dont profess to be very good at them, have always liked and enjoyed rising up to any challenge dealing with words, letters, and the likes. The ticking of the brain cells in this quarter is a refresher any time any day. Puzzles with numbers and the likes have been daunting right from school, not that im too bad at them. But they never kindled a surge of thrill or excitement as these dancing prancing alphabets do! this small exercise sort, spelling game on this page, is a recent discovery while browsing, and it never fails to sort of unnerve me. Keeps you edging on to delve into this ocean of language and swim your way through these new fangled, unheard of, mysterious sounding words. A harsh reminder at times of your complete ignorance of your so called favourite subject, and at times a small diminutive comfort that things arent that bad, and at times a simple and pure form of total distraction!!

" Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence. "

2008-02-27T08:10:00.005+03:00

Came across these lovely quotes.They do capture it all.

” A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. “

and one closest to my strain of thought

” Music is what feelings sound like. “!!

Music is such an overwhelming universal language, crosses ALL barriers and boundaries. It is a medium which reaches out and touches people in a way nothing else can. It can be broken down into symbols and notes and chords and keys and learnt and taught in different levels. But to a layman music is simple, sweet and pure. “Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life”.

Be it a tinkling of a bell, clattering of a train, stomping of hooves, rustling of leaves, ofcourse prattle of a toddler, or the pitter patter of raindrops, boiling of your stew, twitter of the birds;they are all music in its varied assorted forms. It is music, if you want it to be, if you deem it to be; music is ubiquitous when your soul is at peace, with your self. Music transcends the normal, the ordinary state of mind and brings you closest to your self, where everything else freezes up.

When you are besieged with a surge of intense, multifarious, nameless emotions…music comes to your rescue; suffuses you, washes over you, fills you with a serene feeling, a familiar feeling. in touch with reality, normalcy, the beautiful sides…and ofcourse the best way is, to just let it flow over you, flit and trip and skip and hop and maybe glide over you, and be wary not to lose yourself in it…for then you get drenched with pathos, love, ambiguity, glee bordering on insanity, whichever is your pick, for the moment!

If Music be the food of 'life', play on...!

Bear with me, s’il vous plait!!

2008-02-14T10:45:00.003+03:00

Realize, maybe a tad late, that writing isn’t a piece of cake. Writing (if u can call it that) I ve been doing, is those spasmodic bursts of bringing out stuff from inside, literally punctuated with dots and more dots, and some strokes of incomplete phrases and dollops of truncated expressions one fine mish-mash. When a friend of mine, asked to give his comments on my pathetic dished out bits n pieces stuff, was like …’ahem…very expressive..and…hmmm..’, and the saddest thing is yet to hear his full version of comments!!!  So, decided to try my hand at writing some ‘serious’ stuff, you know where you talk, write sense!! The ability to write a few sentences about something normal, sedate, prosaic!! (n ofcourse laboriously boring, my attempt here, n was constantly reminded of my high school grammar books!!) A diminutive start, have miles to go though…the last section is my own usual swashbuckling stuff ofcourse, on more or less the same subject.

Communication, Language, Words

Reaching out and conveying; that would sum up Communication. When there is a need to share a thought with another person, communication comes into play. This ‘sharing a thought’ could be at many levels - seeking information required for your ongoing thought processes, dispensing information in order to get work done, seeking help to get out of situations, which are not manageable by self, and of course simple sharing or exchanging of thoughts or knowledge, be it with close ones or the world at large.

Language – ‘system of communication’ quotes the Encarta dictionary. A mode, format that effectively aids communication or rather communicates. There are some set rules, syntax, which are prerequisites for an excellent and correct usage of the language. And then again there are relaxations, and liberties which can be taken as long as the ultimate result, which happens to be the message being communicated successfully, is achieved. And in accordance to the situation one finds himself, the language can be formal, flowery, long winding, casual or plain curt.

Words – ‘meaningful unit of language sounds’ as simple as it can get! Words are indeed the building blocks of the edifice –language. And aren’t we the dexterous masons, who go about setting them in our own inimitable style and flair. Words are for some, just black and white squiggles filling up a page or screen, entities to be plowed through, because it has to be done, on the command of another, or to be scanned for basic data. And alas for some it’s a whole world of magic; filled with imageries, brimming with innumerable connotations, a great maze where you lose your way, or find oneself; enroute this journey of incredible amazing discoveries. Words make us; break us; awake us and take us to planes, glimpsed only by a honored few… !

Damned are we….
…are we, who fall for, swoon and croon and sway to the magic of words…drugs us, makes us see things which wed like to see…feel things which wed like to feel….takes us to places wed love to be…lifts us takes us in a sonic speed elevator and places u in a hazy misty cloud where u revel in your dreams…all is bliss…and then ofcourse the descend…
And then when the words ring hollow…words become script, alphabets, communicating tools…when they hurt with its flatness…when they sting with its coldness…let them be what they are…just words…if it is, at all possible

winter musings...

2008-02-06T12:34:00.001+03:00

As the steel bird gently lowers me down .....theres a lurch, a catch, a tightening.....'foreign land' takes on a whole new dimension....hits u , screams at u...hush it up.

cocoon...ur family...cuddles u..warms u..smothers u with demands....the world out there remains..a landscape...a sketchy one from my windows...tall cold structures, whizzing droaning cars...stray human figures...open stretches...

miss my home town...yeah i do..the huge looming trees abound....the chirping of seven sisters...twittering of the hustling squirrels...thunderous bark of our german shepherd...the clang of the gate...the cry of the postman...the blaring honking cars/busses(ye i do miss them!!), the incessant phone ring...the feel of grass on ur feet, the gentle caressing cool evening breeze...(not bone chilling or flaming hot), ye the list is going to be endless as the days roll by...(sigh!)

but yes, my home is here, my world....what i make of it...well, set to find out along with my dear ones...whats out there in this land of sand and malls...heat and wealth...dates and kaboos...handsome men and cloistered ravishing women....black gold and mini keralas...mansions and bahkhalas...a/cs and heaters...mcdonalds and ikeas...robes and burkhas...seclusion and adhoora...family and friends....and ....make the most of it...find out more of this place which weve chosen to call home...for now...no major complaints...just few cribbings!! ;)

Aint I...???

2007-11-24T20:25:00.000+03:00

A call away…
A mail away..
But yet….miles away….
Are we on parallel lanes…skid along close but never ever to meet..??
Seeking
Reaching out
Grasping
Yearning
In pain
Alas for all the wrong reasons….mine are not yours….
Cmon step out…
Drat...who am I kiddin…
Aint I,
Yet another…

to be or not to be....

2007-11-18T15:32:00.000+03:00